Making it About You; a Diva's Path to Healing

Good Christian Men rejoice, with heart and soul and voice,
Know ye what he came to do?  Love!  Love!
Jesus Christ was born for you!
Laden with your grief and stain, He suffered all your souls to gain.
Christ was born for you!  Christ was born for you! 
Christ was born for you!  Christ was born for you!
Christ was born for you! Oh, born for you!

If you are in the Millennial Choirs and Orchestras, you might hear what I hear when I read those words.  I stand in the center of the choir, tenors on one side, altos on the other, two rows back.  There are no words to describe the way this verse sounds.  Brandon Stewart arranged it.  That tells more than anything the glory of the sound.  It is a capella and painted so elegantly as to portray emotion with every harmony.  By the final, "born for you," there is this magnificent resolution that seems to portray as nothing else save the touch of the Master's hand himself, the glorious joy of a repentant soul who feels his love.  This song takes my spirit and flings it heavenward to behold the face of God for a moment.  What joy!

When I was on the plane to New York City last month, I was working on "The Shame Tree," and looking out the window at the clouds.  This song was playing in my head as if I was listening to it on earbuds or something, but it was only a memory.  The words hit my soul as if they were not words but bullets, penetrating every defense with their truth.  "Christ was born for you!"  The gorgeous clouds were stretching out as if to show me heaven in all its majesty.  My soul soared, "IT IS ABOUT YOU!!  HE CAME FOR YOU!  HE DIED FOR YOU!  ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!"

As children we learn it is not all about us.  I try to teach Austin to think of his brothers when he wants everything his way.  I plead and persuade my boys to see my point of view, their dad's point of view, their teachers' point of view.  The fact is, and it is very well researched, the human brain is not really capable of empathy in childhood.  Young children, like Austin, may kiss and hug their mothers, but they don't really love us.  It is all about them.  Their mother, their lollipop, their toys.  It is like the child lies at the center of a great black hole in which everything orbits around the gravity of their own needs.  Other people do not exist with wants and needs independent of them in the psyche of a young child.  Social values are taught and trained into a child, and although some children may put on a good show of empathy, it is just that, a good show.  There are no "good" or "bad" children, there are just children.  God recognizes the inability of children to commit sin.  They are not morally good nor bad.  They are like lions, mice, cats, and elephants, we project human morality upon them, but we all know that they are neither good nor bad.  They are the evidence of the fallen state of the world.  Nothing more.

The journey to adulthood is the journey of social adjustment, of learning that it isn't all about you.  There are other people who have places to go and things to do.  You must wait in line, take your turn, think of the needs of others, and place nicely.  Once we reach adulthood, then the Savior tells us we must return to childhood again.  He tells us, now you have to unlearn what you have learned and become like a little child.  You have to understand as a newly reborn spiritual being, that it really is and always has been about you.

How so?  When I repent, I don't go with a committee.  I go by myself to the Savior's feet.  I let him into my soul and he sees my truth.  What is my truth?  It is what is in my heart and mind, right or wrong, good or bad, accurate or not, it is the way I perceive and experience the world around me.  I let him in the way that Antman enters the quantum realm.  I love Antman because it reminds me that not only is the universe eternally large, it is also eternally small.  Nothing is too small or insignificant for the keen eye of the Master as he examines my truth.  Usually this probing process is not painful at all.  He observes every part of my soul largely without judgement.  He knows I am a fallen person living in a fallen world.  He expects me to be broken and hurting, and he is never surprised by what he finds.  Sometimes I will try to shut him out, to make excuses, to insist that what he sees is not really as it seems.  He looks at me and says, do you want to be healed or not?  It is all about me.

One of my favorite works of fiction ever is the Chronicals of Narnia by C.S. Lewis.  One of my favorite parts of the Chronicals of Narnia is in the book, The Horse and His Boy.  The boy Prince Cor of Archenland is on an important mission to save his people.  After a series of humiliating experiences, Cor, or Shasta, as he is known through most of the book, is walking through a cold mountain pass when a lion appears next to him in the misty fog.  At first afraid, he comes to realize that the lion means him no harm, but merely wants to hear about his feelings.  The boy tells him what has befallen him and how difficult it has been.  He is cold and hungry, his feet hurt, he has been travelling for many weeks and months and feels that there is no way for him to succeed.  Of course, the lion is revealed to be Aslan, the great King of Narnia who reveals that he has been working in the background of Shasta's journey all along, that his life has been part of a grand plan to save everyone.  He breaths on little Shasta and he gets renewed strength from the divine beast.  Only one thing has him concerned and that is why Aslan had attacked his friend and given her scratches on her back.  The wise old lion says, "That is her story.  You only get to hear your story."  Essentially the lion is saying, "Its all about you."  Don't worry too much about other people and what their story is.  They have their story, and they have their relationship with God.  Only you know your story, and the only person God cares about when he talks to you is you. 

It's all about you!  You are an eternal being, and if you choose to focus on yourself the way God wants you to, you realize that you really are all that matters.  Your children?  They have their path.  Your parents?  They have their path.  They are accountable to God for their actions.  You are accountable for yours.  I used to wonder if Christ only died for the sins of those who repent, or if he suffers for all sins.  Some scriptures seem to indicate that he only suffers for the covenant people, the house of Israel.  I used to think that maybe if we don't accept the atonement and we end up paying for our own sins, does that make things easier on Him?  Now I realize that none of that matters.  He didn't die for anyone else.  He died for me.  He suffered for me.  I am eternally that important.  It is all about me.

It seems all backward that the most important thing that we learned in becoming fully adult mortals is the very thing we have to unlearn in order for Him to heal us.  We go from being children who think it is all about us, to good socialized adults who know it is not all about us.  We learn that we are insignificant specks in the universe, that there are millions, billions, and trillions of other human beings on this planet that are just as valuable and just as important as I am.  Then I have to unlearn it.  I have have to learn that the universe is also eternally small, where every idle thought is brought to account by the Master who sees all.  My relationship with Jesus Christ is the only thing I can control and the only thing that will determine my salvation; not my works, not my church, just my choice to let him in or keep him out.  It doesn't matter whether I've done my visiting teaching, what kind of mother I am to my children, what kind of car I drive....all that matters is that I let him in and do what he tells me to do. 

Ironically, the more I become the Diva and realize that it is all about me, I am able to look outside of myself to those in need.  I'm a better mother, a better sister, a better daughter, a better wife, and a better member of my church when I put myself at the center of my spiritual universe.  I stop being so afraid of how I am perceived and whether or not someone else is going to do something that will rock my world.  (ie. Donald Trump, my kids, my husband, my church community)  It is all about me and my Savior.  Everyone else has their path and their story.